Whistle 2

I’ve just spotted a repeating pattern. Finally. After 47 years I may have learned something. Woo (and indeed) Hoo. I said in my first whistle blog (and I quote)

‘I play the whistle obsessively (just ask the poor unfortunate neighbours). I will continue to do so for as long as the urge continues. Unlike photography (another story for another time [and still to come]) I don’t want to try and make money from doing it. That way lies madness, financial ruin and turning something rather pleasurable and a joy in to a chore and a drudge.’

I’ve just worked out that there’s another way of turning something that is a complete joy in to a chore and a drudge. And what’s more I’ve done it in the past both work and hobby-wise. It’s by getting too involved, too obsessive and too perfectionist about it. I’ll explain. I’ll use my current obsession as an example.

So I start whistlin’. I have no expectations about it. I’m new and no one else has any expectations either. Everyone has to learn, so, although I’m a bit crap (or even a lot crap) at the start that’s fine. There’s lots of time and lots of learning to be done. Improvements happen and everybody is happy At least I am. The neighbours probably haven’t noticed much difference at this point. Everything is still fun. Mistakes are easily laughed away. I’m new at this. I don’t expect to be particularly good. As long as improvements happen then I’m happy. But there comes a time where I’ve reached a position where I think I’m the Rock God™ of the whistle. It’s at this point that things begin to go wrong………and I have just realised that I have recently reached that point. I’ve seen the signs.

Firstly, I’m now getting annoyed with myself when I make a mistake. Why? I dunno!! Actually I do. I’m a perfectionist. I’ve only been at this just over a year yet I now believe that I should play every tune I know perfectly every time. Every change from one tune to another in a set should be perfectly executed. I am, after all, the Rock God™ of whistling. So I put myself (as a perfectionist) under pressure to perform perfectly at which point I tense up. This has the tendency to make the fingers a little less than fluid in their movements. I also stop concentrating. I don’t need to concentrate now ‘cos I’m f*&£ing brilliant me. Result? Bad playing and annoyance at myself.

Have I said before that I’m really good at beating myself up? I’m sure I have. I beat myself towards the edge of the Deep Dark Pit® and, being a perfectionist, I quite often finish the job properly by hurling myself in to it.

Secondly, I now expect that everyone else expects me to be perfect. Because I have very high expectations of myself I automatically believe that everyone else has the same high expectations of me, so when I cock up a tune I feel I’ve let not just myself down but everybody else as well. Result? Annoyance at myself and another good shoeing towards the Deep Dark Pit® for good luck.

Thirdly, because I now lead a few tunes I feel a responsibility within the session for keeping things going rather than just letting it happen. The session won’t grind to a halt if I don’t play a tune for a while. Sadly I don’t think that way and I put myself under pressure to perform. Result? Bad playing, annoyance at myself and another few inches moved towards (whisper it) ‘you know where’.

Fourthly, politics begins to rear its ugly head. Now I hate this sort of thing but I’m allowing myself to drag myself in to some of this at the moment and inch ever closer to… you know…..that over there. Big. Black. Sort of hole shaped. This has a lot to do with the various playing styles of the various individuals in the session which, on occasion, causes an undercurrent of friction amongst various players. I can feel myself being sucked in. I will not let this happen as it’s destroying my enjoyment. It also involves me thinking I’m better than others. I think I’m superior. It’s wrong. I have to stop it now. It’s unbecoming and I apologise to those to whom it is aimed. Hopefully they don’t realise. If they do then I’m sorry. I will change

Fifthly, I just take things too damn seriously and personally. Two recent incidents should have been laughed off. In one recent incident a hornpipe was played too fast. When asked if I had ever played in a dance band I said ‘no’ and was told that nobody could ever have danced it that fast. Now instead of just laughing and shrugging my shoulders and getting on with the next tune I blamed the guitarist for driving the tune too quickly. Dave, I’m sorry and I will apologise in person the next time I see you. It was uncalled for. I was leading the tune. It was my fault.

And so the joy fades away.

So what do I do? Lighten up in the first instance. Just let things flow. Things flowed long before I started playing, they will when I stop playing so why get uptight about it? I need to laugh again. I need to stop being so serious. It’s only a tune and I’m doing this for fun. Nobody cares if it goes a bit wrong except me because I’m a perfectionist. I need to learn to ‘let it go’ (I believe that’s the phrase). I’m going to have to learn how to relax and just let things happen again and step away from the Deep Dark Pit®.

I know that these feelings have been exacerbated recently. The last three weeks have been non-stop with Morris dancing, drinking ale and sessions. I’m doing too much and I’m getting tired and crotchety. The alcohol is affecting me mentally. I think a day or two of not practicing the whistle won’t hurt either. Just a little break, just for now and recharge the old batteries.

Oh! And I never got on with that melodeon. After a couple of weeks I gave it back. The neighbours and the cat were much relieved.